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2014
Friday 28th March
Mick: Bill… Bill… Bill… I'm going to start calling you that from now on.
Masood: Hey, I'm just the messenger.
Monday 31st March
David: Homework?
Tiffany: Yes.
David: Trainers?
Morgan: Yes.
David: Chocolate that you're not meant to have and I didn't see you taking?
Tiffany / Morgan: No!
Monday 1st April
Lauren: Ah, the good old mocktail. What happens if you drink too much vitamin C?
Peter: Not that much, buzz-wise.
Lauren: Happy days.
Friday 4th April
Tina: Check her out. Su Pollard called. She wants her glasses back.
Nancy: Who's Su Pollard?
Monday 7th April
Ronnie: You want to know what's under that overcoat?
Roxy: I do not…
Ronnie: I've seen him in the gym. Sweaty…tousled….lycra…
Roxy: Ronnie…
Ronnie: Curves in all the right places...
Tuesday 8th April
Jake: What's her name?
Aleks: She's no one.
Jake: Yeah, right, that'll be why you came in so pleased with yourself?
Thursday 10th April
Ronnie: Maybe you're better off just being single for a while.
Roxy: And then what? I end up in some high-rise, stinking of cats.
Thursday 10th April
Lola: Look at me. Everthing I wear is either knock-off or second hand.
Roxy: Come on. Peter wouldn't care if you showed up in a bin bag.
Monday 14th April
Ian: I'm not in the mood for any more trouble.
Lucy: I'm not here to cause trouble.
Tuesday 15th April
Terry: Anyone sat here? Or just your pretend boyfriend?
Whitney: He was being a prat.
Terry: Good looking prat.
Monday 21st April
Kat: …If it was me I'd cut it off.
Bianca: And mince it.
Kat: And serve it to him in a bun.
Friday 9th May
Lola: I'm making dinner for Peter.
Billy: Stay there. Let me sort you out with some chips.
Monday 12th May
Carol: Are you eating again?
David: I'm a growing boy.
Monday 12th May
Mick: Don't you think one foghorn's enough in this gaff?
Linda: Are you talking about me!?
Friday 16th May
Sharon: We can pretend we're a couple of teenagers going on our first date.
Phil: Let's not get carried away.
Friday 16th May
Linda: Come on, Mick. It'll really cheer her up seeing your face.
Mick: How many times do I have to say it? I ain't skyping a dog.
Monday 19th May
Tina: Like Dad seriously would have lifted a finger. Didn't want to move away from his crossword more like.
Monday 27th May
Whitney: Something old. That's the first one, isn't it?
Carol: Well that's easy enough, just look at the bride.
Friday 25th July
Stan: R.U.M. What's it spell?
Shirley: Liver failure. You don't even drink rum.
Thursday 31st July
Aleks: Have you seen Alfie?
Sharon: Hiding behind the baked beans?
Friday 4th August
Alfie: You know what they say about rules. Meant to be broken and all that.
Aleks: On the contrary, rules are there to be observed. At all times.
Wednesday 6th August
Alfie: Can we go to the chippy first? I'm starving.
Kat: Jealous of my bump or something?
Monday 11th August
Nancy: We should go over there. Stick some manky prawns through her letterbox.
Lee: Pipe down, they'll hear you…
Thursday 14th August
Sonia: So remember, it's carbs before exercise and protein after…
Sharon: I thought it was wine after?
Monday 18th August
Dot: Bianca was a lovely girl, but some of these outfits…They're enough to bring on one of my migraines.
Friday 22nd August
Lauren: Had a quiet night in, did we Dad?
Max: Don't start on me, Lauren. You're the one who came slamming in last night - stomping up the stairs.
Monday 25th August
Terry: She has a point Bianca. Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Bianca: No. But if you bend down, I could look at my reflection in your head.
Monday 1st September
Bianca: How did I end up with such noisy kids?
Whitney: You ain't exactly Tinkerbell yourself though, are you?
Tuesday 2nd September
Kat: Half the food's still frozen.
Alfie: Bianca won't notice. We'll get her on Mo's cheap Hungarian red.
Monday 8th September
Aunt Babe : About as lively as a funeral parlour in here. Someone died?
Nancy : Just Lee's chances of getting a date again.
Monday 8th September
Sonia: You've killed every plant you've ever owned, including the fake ones.
Bianca: I can learn, I'll be like that Charlie Dimmock.
Friday 12th September
Bianca: You're arrogant, you're smug and that hair? You do know it ain't the 80's?
Aleks: Pitch fees.
Kat:You'll get them.
Monday 15th September
Shirley: Speak of the devil. You alright there?
Linda: I've just lost my earring to a urinal cake so you tell me.
Monday 15th September
Kat: Alfie, we're going! If I'm not back by ten I've chucked you for a stripper!
Alfie: Yeah, right. I'm not that lucky, babe!
Friday 19th September
Max: How about pasta? I make a mean spag bol.
Abi: You really don't, Dad.
Lauren:Why don't we order a takeaway,might be safer all round?
Wednesday 24th December
Patrick: "I heard there's free mulled wine."
Denise: "You really don't, Dad."
2015
Monday 26th January
Donna Yates: D'you sing in the shower?
Alfie Moon: Yes! I love to belt out a good tune while I'm lathering myself up in the morning.
Thursday 29th January
Mo Harris: Come on, girls! Get your stretchy skirts for a tenner. Extra lycra, cheaper than a tummy tuck.
Monday 9th February
Jane Beale: Roses or Gardenias for table centres?
Ian Beale: Whichever's the cheapest.
Thursday 26th March
Alfie Moon: I'm just saying, you know your kiwis from your kumquats. I thought we could help each other out.
Tuesday 14th April
Max Branning: Fix the car Jay. That's what I pay you for. Don't need counselling from a teenager.
Tuesday 12th May
- Whitney Dean: I am not bossy. Am I? Lee?
- Lee Carter: No.
- Nancy Carter: A little bit bossy
Thursday 28th May
- Sonia Jackson: Kim's taking ages.
- Tina Carter: Thought she'd be dancing on tables by now
Monday 8th June
- Lola Pearce: We do hair. Not rugs. Coming in with a barnet like that!.
- Dean Wicks: [Annoyed] Lola.
Monday 6th July
- Lily Branning: Don't like it…
- Martin Fowler: It's good for you. Peppa Pig likes apples.
Thursday 9th July
- Nancy Carter: Finally got out of your pit then?
- Lee Carter: I'm not at work 'till two. Sue me if I want a lie in for a change..
Tuesday 28th July
- Pam Coker: Excellent. Nip home, get changed. Don't want you mucking up your suit.
- Billy Mitchell: Les said I'd just be blowing up a few balloons.
Tuesday 28th July
- Bobby Beale : Did you see that, Dad?
- Cindy Williams Jnr: Well done, just slaughtered a load of pixels. What's the point?
Friday 31st July
- Mick Carter: Your family have been in pubs for well over a century.
- Linda Carter: What you talking about?
- Mick Carter: Well your mum has. What is she now? 150?
Thursday 6th August
- Kush Kazemi: Hello you. How you feeling?
- Shabnam Masood: Fat.
Friday 28th August
- Arthur 'Fatboy' Chubb: You were priceless last night.....
- Martin Fowler: You taking our order?
- Arthur 'Fatboy' Chubb: Sorry. So what you having to drink? Tequila?
Tuesday 1st September
- Masood Ahmed: You're always wanted your little boy back haven't you? No life of your own, better take this
Thursday 3rd September
- Shirley Carter: Open up!
- Tina Carter: Can't see nothing
- Shirley Carter: She's in there, thieving cow!
Friday 4th September
- Mick Carter: Do you know what his job was?
- Tina Carter: Spud peeler?
- Mick Carter: Burying the bodies.
Tuesday 6th October
- Babe Smith: He prefers older women.
- Elaine Peacock: Not that old! I mean - fifty shades of grey roots?
Thursday 15th October
- Masood Ahmed: Ah. Every man needs a shed.
- Stacey Branning: Some men need a slap
Monday 5th October
- Elaine Peacock: Why can I feel my ears burning?
- Babe Smith: Cheap earrings?
Friday 2nd October
- Tina Carter: Reckon she keeps disguises under her bed? Like, maybe she's a spy and living the life of a domestic drudge has been her cover all along?
Tuesday 5th November
- Whitney Dean: Is this you being nice to me then?
- Elaine Peacock: You lucky thing.
Monday 23rd November
- Sharon Mitchell: It's what families do, Phil. They sit together. Eat together. Enjoy each other's company.
- Phil Mitchell: This ain't Little House on the Prairie.
Friday 27th November
- Tamwar Masood: Oh no. Does that mean they're going to stop posting pics of what they're eating every day? Oh look! A stuffed aubergine. In soft focus.
Wednesday 23rd December
- Shirley Carter: What do you want to get your grandad?
- Jade Green: Something that stops him stinking of fish.
- Shirley Carter: Bleach it is then.
Thursday 24th December
- Dot Branning: But Mrs Peacock will be expecting me at her nativity.
- Fatboy: I heard Bethlehem was full of elves and goblins.
- Dot Branning:: Oh, I say.
- Fatboy: And Mary. She's into
2016
Thursday 18th February
- Sonia Fowler: Hi...
- Martin Fowler: Didn't recognise you minus the prawn bikini.
Friday 19th February
- Sharon Mitchell: Last chance Denny. Or that games console goes back to the shop.
- Dennis Rickman Jnr: That's what you always say.
- Sharon Mitchell: Don't push me.
Tuesday 23rd February
- Kim Fox-Hubbard: I tell you, that looks like legitimate fun.
- Denise Fox: I wouldn't bounce in that outfit if I were you. Not with children about.
Friday 4th March
- Ronnie Mitchell: This is the real world, not Honeyland - where love conquers all.
Thursday 9th June
- Kathy Beale: What about Kim, think she’d fancy a shift?
- Denise Fox: You must be desperate.
Friday 10th June
- Buster Briggs: What's the matter? Not got one of your winning smiles for me today?
- Donna Yates: Nope. But I've got two butt cheeks you can kiss.
Monday 27th June
- Amy Mitchell: He stopped moving. He’d been eating Mummy’s sherbet.
- Roxy Mitchell: It was cocaine. My cocaine.
Monday 11th July
- Shirley Carter: He wanted me… Buster just looks straight through me.
- Linda Carter: You and Buster, you’re the big Hollywood romance… you and Phil…
Thursday 14th July
- Carmel Kazemi: I’m just saying!! Age ain't nothing but a number, is it, girls? I can do things I never imagined in my twenties.
- Shirley Carter: What like? Knitting? I’m going to the khazi. Them squats played havoc with my pelvic floor.
Tuesday 19th July
- Phil Mitchell: When did we get so old and useless?
- Ian Beale: (Of helping Phil) This is me volunteering, Phil. 'Care in the community'. You are my ex step dad. I am a man in my prime, thanks.
Friday 29th July
- Andy Flynn: Mate. If I wanted to check out your berries – I’d have gone to your stall.
- Kyle Slater: Best hurry this up. Gonna put people off their food.
Friday 5th August
- Babe Smith: Oh come on! It was girl talk. Nothing malicious.
- Linda Carter: You're not a girl Babe, you're an old woman!
Tuesday 9th August
- Kathy Beale: Grant!
- Grant Mitchell: I heard you were back from the dead.
Monday 22nd August
- Babe Smith: Think I'm breaking bread with a murderer?
- Mick Carter: Attempted.
- Babe Smith: Oh sorry, excuse me, attempted murderer.
Monday 29th August
- Ben Mitchell: You said you were going to follow him from work.
- Jay Mitchell: I ain’t Jason Bourne you know!
Monday 29th August
- Kim Fox-Hubbard: Pop that hip, Dot – come on!
- Dot Branning: If I pop a hip out, it shan’t go back in, Kimberley.
Monday 19th September
- Lee Carter: But I've already... (tried asking Jack for mates rates).
- Mick Carter: But. But. Jack Branning has had a thing going for me ever since I snogged him.
Monday 19th September
- Linda Carter: This is me ain’t it? Is it me? Is it my fault? Have I turned into my mother?
- Mick Carter: Oh come on. No. No. Your hair’s longer.
Friday 23rd September
- Masood Ahmed: Am I insane?
- Denise Fox: Yes. But you were married to Zainab for thirty odd years. You can get through that, you can do anything.
Thursday 13th October
- Billy Mitchell: You’re good at bossing people… any tips?
- Claudette Hubbard: Yeah… grow a pair.
Thursday 13th October
- Denise Fox: How can widening my horizons be boring?
- Kim Fox-Hubbard: You gonna sit at the front of the class, give Jorgen a bit of the old Sharon Stone, eh? That kind of widening?
- Denise Fox: I’ve told you, it’s not
Friday 14th October
- Whitney Dean: Why do they call you Moose?
- Moose: Cos a moose is bigger than a donkey.
(MOOSE winks at WHITNEY. She blushes, a little shocked).
Tuesday 18th October
- Jack Branning: Oh, here she is, Lewis Hamilton. Best of luck with the test.
- Kim Fox-Hubbard: Hey D, you got any of those ‘stick your luck up your butt’ cards?
Thursday 20th October
- Linda Carter: [SINGING] And if that green bottle should accidentally fall, there’ll be no green bottles hanging on the wall.
- Babe Smith: Oh it’s you. Thought that tom cat was randy again.
Monday 7th November
- Mick Carter: Here he is, Richard Branson! How’s life in the fast lane, son?
- Lee Carter: [BREEZY] Yeah – pretty fast.
Friday 11th November
- Belinda Peacock: Age is just a number. It’s all in the mind.Sharon: And the face, and the back…
- Linda Carter: [FEELS HER BACK] Oh the back!
Monday 21st November
- Phil Mitchell: Hands off.
- Martin Fowler: Charming as ever.
- Donna Yates: Gets any more yellow – he’ll turn into a minion. (Of PHIL)
Monday 28th November
- Jack Branning: We’ve had mishaps. That rabbit wasn’t a fan… but ultimately, you’re a good person, Rox.
- Roxy Mitchell: Shut up.
Tuesday 29th November
- Stacey Fowler: I wasn’t thinking. When I said about underwear.
- Jane Beale: (Wry) Now I’m out of incontinence pads, sexy underwear might be nice.
Thursday 15th December
- Phil Mitchell: (Reminiscing) Party hats tore, soon as you got ‘em on. Bad jokes. Here, what does Santa do with fat elves!?
- Jay Mitchell: Sends them to an Elf Farm!
Thursday 22nd December
- Phil Mitchell: (Wheezes) I’ve got a job for ya.
- Billy Mitchell: A job? What job?
- Phil Mitchell: My funeral.
Sunday 25th December
- Tina Carter: Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
- Shirley Carter: He was picking his nose!
Sunday 25th December
- Dot Branning: My eyes are fine.
- Patrick Trueman: Really? So why are you calling that tom cat Ethel?
- Dot Branning: Oh... Ethel's got a little willy.
(DOT has a little smile at this - the irony)
Tuesday 27th December
- Aunt Sal: What on earth have you two come as?
- Tina Carter & Shirley Carter: It's Ibiza fancy dress, isn't it?
- Aunt Sal: It looks like two hookers got the wrong address.
- Shirley Carter: He was picking his nose!